Hello, my name is Lanéit Phantiane (my parents are not the nicest of people) and I am going to be your guest poster-person today. Sadly, the kind gentleman who normally types to you, Thomas Cain, is currently unavailable due to what we will call personal reasons. If you have a brain that is roughly the size of a grain of salt, you will be wondering who I am, exactly. Since most of you probably fit the aforementioned criteria, I will explain myself. I am the second son of the Duke of Flanders, known to me as 'popsie', but to you as his gracious duke, Antone Phantaine, of Flanders. Now, if you know anything at all you will know that since the revolution there haven't been any Dukes or Lords or Kings in France. So. If you have put two and two together you will come to the conclusion that my father has been dead for quite some time. Where does that leave me though? I must be quite a ripe fellow, mustn't I? Well, I am. 239 years ripe, to be precise.
I've had a very interesting life so far. I've been shot through the heart 7 times in each of the continents. In Antarctica it was pecked by penguin beaks, but I think that should count too. My travels have made me fluent in Jamaican, all the Slovak languages, and of course my two native languages, French and English. (I escaped the Guillotine by fleeing to the 'UK' as the call it now) I was lost in Asia though. I never could pick those languages up. :( Oh, and I forgot to mention that on the other side of the world I'm known as Niac Samoht. I don't know why, but I am. So that's that.
Anyway. I suppose you want to know my secret to having this long a life. Fit and Trim Mom. That's my secret. At least I think it is. It's either that or that in the reverse order. Mom trim and fit. Or maybe Trim and fit mom. That doesn't much matter though. You can buy it.....its a great book. It teaches you how to make brownies out of beans--or was it beans out of brownies? I seem to be mixed up and backwards* today--and pancakes out of cottage cheese. It makes you live pretty much forever. I got it 200 years before it was published. I can time travel (....did I forget to mention that before?) in case you're wondering.
I am now currently (how's that for redundancy? TAKE THAT, you English teachers of the world) working for the Jamaican government as an assassin, just FYW.....its so clever how they use acronyms so much nowadays, isn't it....It was rumored that this Thomas Cain person was a threat to Usain Bolt's title of 'the fastest man in the world', so we had to take care of him. Don't worry, he got last rites so he's in better hands than he's ever been before. Looking at his physical makeup, though, I think they were either baseless rumors or we got the wrong man. I've done that once or twice before and its sometimes a wee bit awkward. And now I have come to the reason for my posting on here. Can you verify that this really is Thomas Cain's blog and in doing so verify that the man I just extinguished (I don't much like the word 'kill') is, in fact, Thomas Cain because, as I said before, I find it hard to believe that there were even rumors about this person. Thank you.
.........................So I have no idea where that came from....I guess that's what happens when I come on here and have on idea what the heck to write about. I have a somewhat strange imagination. In other news, I had a nightmare last night in which I got my first cavity. It was horrendous.
-Thomas
*Put on your Sherlock cap and see if you can find my backward mixed up-ness. Its staring right at you, you just have to look and think outside the lines....what's my name again?....whoa, I'm really having a rough day. XD
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